Stumble in the polyamore (and stay there)
How I went from considering monogamy the only accessible relational model, not to imagine myself in any other romantic relationship outside the polyamore. And all the mistakes I have made (so far).
What pushes a twenty -three year old who recently closed the first serious and long (and monogamated) relationship to approach the world of consensual non -monogamies? First, some definitions: by Polymoro we mean a conscious, committed relationship, in which Lə Partner (S) are Liberches that they have different romantic, emotional and sexual relationships, with more people, without a relational hierarchy (usually).
But I discovered this after having stumbled by mistake. And after some misunderstanding and misunderstanding.
Following the closure of my relationship, all I wanted to meet many people, do not commit myself and have a carefree sentimental life and why not, also frivolous. But in a short time I had to take ahead with the harsh reality that destroyed my libertine dream: I can't try attraction for a person if any emotional bond was not established before.
So all the love I had stored over the years and poured only towards a person, she exploded in my hands. And I made a great discovery: you can be in love with several people at the same time. Because I really liked the people with whom I went out, and really a lot. But I don't
He put the idea at ease that, over time, I would have to choose, also out of respect for the people I attended.
Because, like Tuttə, I grew up with the idea that in the end the only engagement model committed, serious and recognized, was monogamy. And because at the beginning, in fact, I didn't even know clearly what it was
A polymorous relationship. I had not even considered the idea that the first phase of attendance has been overcome, the people I was leaving would be willing to maintain the relationship as it was, in the long term.
Talking about it with Lə Amicə, the advice I collected passed from "It's just a moment, then when you really affection to someone will be natural to leave the other frequency back" to "Keep an open relationship, dedicate your emotional and romantic attention to a partner, and continues while ad
Having disengaged frequented frequency with lighus ". But I didn't want to choose a "favorite" person. And the idea of closing myself again in an exclusive relationship put me agitation.
Too bad that while I sinked in these deep introspective reflections, they themselves deliberately avoiding to explain the situation to the people with whom I left, a little for fear of losing them, a little because I hoped that things would be defined as for time, a time, a A little because it always seems too early to make hiring on potential future relationships. And a little for procastulation.
Fortunately one evening, in front of a beer, talking to a boy with whom I went out for about a month, and with whom I felt very quiet to communicate emotionally, the topic came out. I decided to tell him that the night before I had revised a girl I had come out with for a period, but that I then had
Lost sight, and in short, we had found ourselves.
I thought he would immediately interpret it as a way to close our attendance, however, simply intrigued, asked me how it went. So I told him.
I discovered at that moment how complicated for me to talk about a person I like to another person I like, because the preconception that love is only one is truly rooted, and it is difficult to deconstruct. I didn't want to devalidize the interest I felt towards him during the
I tell, therefore awkwardly, from time to time, I tried to reassure him on the fact that our attendance actually would not have been affected.
When I finished speaking, having noticed my discomfort, he brought me back the experience of his sister, who for some years has had different stable, lasting, loyal romantic relationships. He told me about his polecola and how in their family it had been normalized some time ago. And that all in all the monogamy was also tight.
It was a moment of great revelation for me. From that moment I started to inform me, read and follow Activistə Poliamorosə to go deeper into the subject, and make me a more solid idea.
Needless to say that, pervaded by this new energy and having focused all my research and attention on the reality of polymorous relationships, I ended up forgetting that in the end we live in a mainly culturally monogamous world, and so I sent all other frequentations upstream, For
excess of enthusiasm. I understood if only is one of those things that it is good to say immediately, to avoid misunderstandings. From that moment everything went better.
The whole story made me reflect on how many relational models exist outside the exclusive traditional relationships that, for cultural reasons, we are almost all usual to see as the only way that can be traveled for a stable and serious relationship.
It gave me the opportunity to get in touch with a series of new problems that open when it agrees with the partner (S) a relational model based on consensual non -monogamy, such as the conscious management of jealousy and its acceptance e deconstruction, the organization of time, the definition of agreements and the clarity and transparency of the Love Language. Dialogue becomes a fundamental tool to confront one's insecurities, to be responsible for one's emotions, and to learn to make relationships starting from freedom, proper and of the partner (S).
For what is my experience, the path of deconstruction of amatronativity, or the assumption that sees in being in a romantic, exclusive and long -term relationship, a universally goal
Shared, it will take a lot of time and a lot of work on my person. And I'm sure I will make many other mistakes.
But at least, now I am sure that this relational model is the one that suits me most, right now.
As long as there is an agreement and respect between partners, there are no more righteous relational models, or healthier or more effective, but only that they adapt better to the people involved in the relationship.
So why not give a chance and space to other types of relationships?
Valeria Regis
Activistə, information and insights on Poliamore and NMC:
https://www.instagram.com/polycarenze/
https://www.instagram.com/polyphiliablog/
https://www.instagram.com/faqthepolypodcast/
https://www.instagram.com/marjanilane/
https://www.instagram.com/bygabriellesmith/
https://www.instagram.com/unapolygetically/
